it just seems like everything isn't what it used to be.

words fall through me
and erase me
and i'm painted black.

when all those you seem to have poured your life into,
time, love, money,
and it just all goes down.
to the hill of nothingness.

and i have to ask myself,
what was the point.

and i know it is You.

when all else fades
my soul will dance with You
where the love lasts forever.

and what goes through your mind?
when you hear the ramblings,
the noise,
the sound of machines and talk;
going on around you
in different languages.
the spice, the laughter,
the pain, the cries.
and you lie there
hardly able to open your eyes
to the world in front of you.
and the dullness of light,
movements of pain and hurt.
the gentle pressure that would not have hurt
but right now pierce your senses.
oh, the bliss of a gentle touch,
a soothing voice-
let that be mine.
of grace and love.
to a world unknown,
fierce and dark,
painful and despairing.
how i wish i could sing the songs of hope,
and maybe i shall.
to pierce that darkness and fill it with tenderness and grace.
a smile for every tear you cry.
oh let me be.

and how they say pictures can give u a thousand words,
but at the present, i cannot find one apt to say or describe how i feel.

what's the word for defining the difficulty in expressing how i feel?
i'm becoming more and more of an introvert.
and Lord, my faith is paper-thin,
my hope is dying out,
the wait just gets harder.
i am failing in everything that i do.
i don't know what else to do than to run into Your arms,
and embrace me quick.
before the hour runs dry.

the clock is ticking.

10:06 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

Mental illness can happen to anyone of us.
We are all human beings.
What makes you think we're more worthy than them?

-Prema, Director of Nursing, IMH

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
and I can't go back.
Moods that take me and erase me
and I'm painted black.

Take this sinking boat and point it home
we've still got time
falling slowly
sing your melody
I'll sing it loud.

in the in-between,
and i'm just hanging on here with you.

looking at the in-betweens,
the dark corridors
and faces of the past.
the second hand waited for no one.
and soon,
you were gone,
a memory in my mind
with cheer and smiles that gladden my heart.
and i look at you
and ponder how much you remember.
with the glazed eyes
with so much in your heart,
perhaps
the words fight their way through
coming out defeated.
and all you can say.

the wave of the hand,
the bidst
and the kiss that whispers goodbye.
with your companion in hand
i watch u go,
and smile in my heart.
wishing a someday.

and a flip,
turnover.
and realise you're standing there beside me.

12:04 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

Don't try to lose us cause it's right where you'll find us
Don't try to bruise us cause it's right where you bleed
Don't call me a stranger, we're your brothers and sisters
Try to refuse when it's just what you need

Here tomorrow, gone today
We're a part of the secret parade
Here tomorrow, gone today
We're a part of the secret parade

blogging also at:
http://theshoesintheshoebox.tumblr.com

feeling all out of sorts.

i need You to save me.

2:48 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

Oh what peace, the Spirit of Jesus brings
through the trials He will carry me
One day in heaven our eyes will meet
filled with wonder
all the saints will sing

Hallelujah!
What a Saviour!
I owe everything to Him!
Hallelujah!
What a Saviour!
Hallelujah to my King!

11:43 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

“She came out of a man’s rib,
Not from his feet to be walked on.
Nor his head to be superior.
But from the side to be equal;
Under the arm to be protected;
And next to the heart to be loved.”

Who calls you back when you hang up on him.
Who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat,
or will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the man who kisses your forehead.
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in pjs.
Who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on.
Who apologizes first even if he feels he was in the right,
because being right won’t matter if you go to bed angry.
When you tell a joke he will laugh out loud.
Who loves God more than he loves you, so he'll be loving you in the way that pleases God more than the flesh.

“A man is in love when he sees her for the first time. Again. And again."

Abi, "22's the year caron."

i don't know about that. but i wait upon You, not man.



long names, that mean nothing to me,
but all the world to that little one.
it lay breathing on plastic,
four pairs of eyes looking at it,
in shock and confusion and despair.
no words could describe what we felt.
blood, fluid, and paper.
relief, guilt and death for the two who were once one.
now,
it lies unclaimed, unwanted.
tears to hold back,
shock unspoken.
confidentiality breached for a moment.
that brief time in space,
when all around seemed to collapse.
emotions and sights, smell, that will stay for days that might not end.

if i were to lose my way,
would you find me?
if i were to run,
would you catch me?
if i were to cry,
would you hold me in your arms?
if i were to fall,
would you catch me?
if i were to lose myself,
would you stay beside me?
if i forget who i am,
would you remember who i was?
if i fall down and apart,
would you fix me?
if i went and lost myself,
would you know where to find me?

i know You would.
time and til eternity,
for You created time.

11:34 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

how is it that such emotions are evoked?
what goes through their minds when they see us.
are we such nuisances?

and i shall take it in,
or lay them at your feet.

i just need your peace and comfort and strength right now.

the angst in me.

11:55 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

more of You and less of me
Lord i pray that there might be
more of You and less of me

the difficult few days.
and what a struggle it is to represent You correctly.
watch the tongue lady, and the thoughts that pass through your head.


the pang that hit her heart and head
what frailty and descant mass of solid beating
couldn't there be more to it
or yet,
and yet,
they won't come.
for the guards held them back.
look upon the One who bled and died
then
and be still.
knowing amidst throbs and beating hearts
breaths and pulses through veins
He watches over.

shall i leave a smile or a grimace?
or an unturned face.
the many thoughts that run to and fro.

help me be still for a moment,


the best place to run,
is into the arms of God.
-Martin Smith

12:54 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

how many times
have i turned away?
the number is the same as the sand on the shore.
how many times You've taken me back,
i pray You'd do it once more.

please take from me my life
when I don't have the strength to give it away to You Jesus.

new year.
and i'm walking it terribly wrong.
i need You so much more,
not anything or anyone else.

so many decisions to make already,
and i cannot make it.

the fork at the road,
i know not which to walk.
too weak,
the heart is.
too burdened,
the mind is.
and the ball of yarn sinks deeper into the water.
yarn that makes the cloak
and the winter wear for the coming storm.


how sweet to hold a newborn baby
and better and greater still,
knowing that child can live uncertain days
because He lives.

i will pray for the infant i feed and hold and touch.
overwhelmed by the surge of emotions.

desperately need time to sit and think and pray and just bask in Your presence.

the day is dimming and i'm yearning for You
let me not be satisfied til i see Your face.
every tick and every cross,
every right and wrong,
You can take it all away.

every heartbeat You hear
every cry You listen to
moves Your heart
You amaze me


swing the sword,
make war
against the inner and the unseen.
the battle wages again,
and what shall come of it?
wounded soldier,
look upon the One who won
the ultimate fight
and victory sealed.
give a smile and
.
the heart is weak
your eyes cannot see.
then let the hand of grace lead
you home.

there's no where else to run into
than into the arms of God.

i shall collapse there tonight.
day is done,
gone the sun.

12:50 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

2nd day of the new year.
missed the 1/1/11 post.

reading the lyrics of marcus' song made me feel like writing again.
been a long time.
it steals my time and takes away the feeling of sitting there and holding the pen and guitar in hand.
and right now, i wish i could.
but my body and mind protests and urges me to slumber.

the new year has already come,
and i feel so unprepared.

Lord, what is it that You want me to learn this year?
the past year was difficult already,
what's next?
but with You,
i know it's enough.
You will carry me through.

i lift my eyes unto the One
who made me whole
who gives me life
and i bow in awe of You

You lift me up
You are my hope
let my life bring glory to Your Name

Jesus
oh Jesus
lift high the name of Jesus in this place
Jesus
You conquered the grave
overcame sin
You are my Saviour,
You are my Lord

12:31 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

there and back again.

feels so odd. surreal. many feelings i have that i can't really articulate at the moment.

she stared out of the window, amazed at the view she saw. it was not the first time that she saw it, but still, she held her breath.
she marvelled at its Creator, and gave free rein to the thoughts and emotions she felt. but she could not fully grasp it.
this, and that.
and she felt confused.
she felt she belonged, and one with them. a strange call out to the heart, and yet, something seemed amiss.
but no answer was given despite the many questions that rang in her mind.
the wait continues.

there to China, and back.
it seemed like just a moment ago. and now, everything is back.
i don't know how to feel or what to think.
or even where do i belong.
terribly at a loss.
perhaps You might help me with it these few days,
before i face the new year that comes.

with all my hopes, fears and dreams.
this year passed too fast.
and my heart cannot take it.
and i still need a little time to recover from all that plummets and coils and seethes inside.
but You are stronger, and Your grace is enough.
so let this be enough.
knowing that You are with me.

at the cross i bow my knee
where Your blood was shed for me
there's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest praise
what can separate me now?

You tore the veil
You made a way
when You said that it is done

i know you love me


and so i cried.

1:55 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

one by one,
the obstacles cleared.
events passed.
and she feels empty.
hollow.
and yet, full.
of many things.

the fog in her head cannot be cleared just yet.
she cannot give her heart away.

12:01 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

and it just seems that a few hundred years have passed,
but they were just yesterday.
the feeling of being caught in between, and having lost the friends you knew,
or not knowing them, perhaps only for a brief moment in time.

clinicals this round has been rather odd;
i feel much sorrow, but i am not really able to deal with it.
yet i sense joy at the innocence of the children, and how incredibly cute they are.
once again,
stuck in that mass of emotions,
and unable to untangle myself from it.

what i need is a break from everything.
a time to unclear the mess in my head and heart.
for what is lost, i do not know.

and even as i embark on the journey to Chin on another place of self-discovery which will lead to mortification and death of the Self, by God's grace, and a transforming to His likeness, i pray.
Let it be one that is fruitful.
that i may decrease, and Christ increase.

and the few days left in the ward, let it be something that is pleasing to You.

help me, for i find myself rather incapable of helping myself any longer.
for the soul feels rather dead and in a state of hanging-in-between.
in anguish? i don't know.

and i can only look above, and find my hope and rest there.

these tears can't really fall anymore.
what ails this putrid heart?
it's not one of depressants,
but perhaps a deadening of what is happening around me.

yet, deeper it seems, i must bury it.
but i know i must lay it at the Cross.
bare, for You to see.
and i shall weep in sorrow and joy,
for You shall comfort me,
and i will find peace.

but it has yet to come.

what smiles then do i give now?
what joy shall fill my heart?
not that i speak in riddles,
nor in pretense, but it's these things
that weigh my soul down.
so lift.
lift them up.

at the cross i bow my knee.

have a very blessed Christmas to you(:

11:50 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

My life only began when You called my name.

Lead me to Your heart.
This warrior is a child.
Inside the armour hides plenty of things.

For now, let me put all aside and study.
Just a little while more.

11:55 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

it seemed like it all boiled down to this.
again.
once again,
and not for the last time.

she desperately sought for the peace that evaded her.
perhaps things were just now done correctly,
and still she tried.
so hard.
what a play of words, it seems.

Pooh tried to be a black rain cloud and made her laugh.
it brought her to somewhere she could escape from her thoughts and ill-feelings for awhile.
escapism. it seems such a bliss,
even for a brief moment.

it was harder to face them,
and so much easier to run away.
and sometimes, it's just so confusing to do either.
she typed a message in her phone, and never dared to send it out.
not knowing what the consequence would be.
or how silly she would seem to be.

what yearnings and longings, dreams perhaps. or nightmares.
lay them all at His feet.


we both lit the match and burned the bridge.

2:59 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

so much that's in my head.
i wish i could burst, and cease to exist.

but i don't think i can.
gabriel bought a tube of bubble-blowing solution. and i just wished for a moment i could be taken to that place free of worries, and just play and laugh without a care. the memories of childhood. and sweet innocence at that.

the beauty of the bubble.
how it contains the myriad of colours, and yet, it's so fragile that it bursts upon the slightest touch of the skin.
so beautiful, and yet you can't hold it in your hands.
makes us all the more marvel and gaze in wonder at it.

and my heart caves in.
at what i have to do.
or not do.
at such a loss, and i don't know who to talk to.
and i don't know what else to say.
i think i've an issue with that.
do i address it.

really think there's something wrong with me?

Lord, who else can i turn to but You?
i'm really sick of it.
tired of struggling with the same old issue.
and there's more to come.

oh for grace to trust Him more.

and i need You to carry me through these right now.
it just might prove too much for me to handle.
but You never let me go through what i can't bear,
for Your grace is more than enough for me.
what on earth am i even thinking.


i see november as a very tough month ahead.
sighs.

lift your eyes, redemption draws near.

turn your eyes upon Jesus.

12:14 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

shout it out (:

-

all the brothers and sisters

-

of old.

-

credits.

-

wonderful people

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